Torture on the airwaves ...

The Pakistani's have developed a new torture technique.
It's guaranteed to get any information out, from any human being, or even otherwise.

What they do is, they tap into Doordarshan signals broadcasted every Sunday night at 9:30 pm and tape this serial called "Kalakaarz".
Then they repeat the 30 min episode 6 times to make it a 3 hour long version and store it by day and date.

They also rank it from 1 - 5 stars depending on the intensity of torture the show can inflict.
Then they tie the victim to the chair, in front of the T.V and play the tape.

Apparently, they later realized that making a 3 hour version of the episode was a waste of man power and good ol' tape, because the victims would either surrender within the first 7 minutes, or if they resisted, they would die by the 9th minute of the episode.

Tests show that none of the victims survived after the 11th minute.

So now, they just tape the first 15 minutes of the episode and save multiple episodes on 1 tape instead.
Quite a save, don't you think?

Not having cable has its good as well as bad effects.

The good thing is that you have ample time (about 3 hours everyday more) than your fellow mates to put to better use.

The bad thing is that once in a while, when you just want to take your dinner and sit in front of the T.V. set, you have only one channel to turn too.
And with Doordarshan and its C grade programming, you'd be better of watching the static screen.

Today was one such day.

I happened to turn on the T.V and watch - one complete episode of that crappy show "Kalakaarz" which recently started on DD - and the worst part is, I somehow managed to survive through the entire show (Doing Engg gives you a lot of patience).

The show is about trying to scout for acting talent.
It is definitely in response to the huge successes that shows like Indian Idol and Fame Gurukul have been.
But even though I don't like the way these shows go about doing what they do, at least they have some quality standards.

No offence, but the people who turn up as participants on the Doordarshan show, would not even qualify to be extras in a C grade flick, even if they offered to work for free.

And I have heard, that these participants undergo a number of screening tests before they go on air.

Woah ! Can you imagine how bad the people must be who dont make the cut?
Or maybe no one turns out for the auditions.
So what these Doordarshan people must be doing is, sending out agents to catch people from the street opposite their studios, kidnap their family members and threaten to kill them unless they turn up for the show.

I really, really pity the judges who come on the show.
Atleast we have the remote control.

I know Doordarshan charges a LOT for advertising time ... even on the most crappiest shows, because their TRP is generated automatically.
If you don't have cable, then you're watching Doordarshan - and the number of people not having cable in India is pretty high ...

The only real good thing about this entire crappy TV channel is that you get to watch decent news and the occasional India match, if its being played in India itself.

My entire point being, if Doordarshan charges so damn much to put up advertisements and the people watching the channel is HUGE, why don't decent shows go to it?
And why does it not push for better shows?

It is not that you cannot make out whether a show is good or not till the end.
It's right there - on your face - and its pretty much pathetic.

And most of the shows look like table scraps from bigger distributors (Balaji telefilms) which were thrown out from other channels.

Doordarshan, once upon a time, was pretty darn good.
Remember Malgudi days, Surabhi, Amravati ki Kathayen, Tipu Sultan, etc etc?
They even had Street Hawk (man how I miss that show) and Knight Rider (pretty lame by today's standards, but still watchable)
Now, those were some really good shows - even compared to today's standards.

They should probably dump all the crap they are showing now and revert back to the programming of about a decade ago.
Sure it won't be glitzy and glamorous with pretty looking stupid women who do nothing but cry, bitch and conspire all day ... but I bet it would have class and grace ... and probably more "cable" TV watching audience would even consider tuning into to maybe watch Malgudi days.

And I challenge any of you cable viewing folk to tune into Doordarshan on Thursday nights at about 9 - I think to watch this show called "Aankhen".
Thats probably the only other show which could beat the one I mentioned above.
Writing more about it, would be wasting blogger's bandwidth and mine also.
So, I shall stop right here.

Thank God for the "moddable" XBOX and Bit torrents and the amazing number of people who seed TV shows like LOST, Whose Line is it Anyways, Joey, etc etc :)
And all your college buds who believe in sharing :)
I love you guys :)